So What IS the Speed of Dark?

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.” (laugh!)

I probably shouldn’t share so many of the burning questions of the universe at once, but I started giggling and couldn’t stop. I do think I feel alert now, but if I don’t get busy editing my sadly neglected novel I might be grounded. From the internet!

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We are a strange lot to have noses that run and feet that smell…

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

Why do they have ear piercing while you wait? Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?

How come Writers write but Fingers don’t fing, and Grocers don’t groce, and Hammers don’t ham?

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?

If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue. If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake. Where does the glue go?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

How come you never hear of a combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable person?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If brother becomes Brethren, why doesn’t mother become Methren?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren’t we clean when we use them?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When the stars are out, they are visible; when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

Since light travels faster that sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

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Better than a shot in the arm, eh? Which is your favorite? If you have another great one-liner to tickle my risibility, post it in the comment section!

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